Changes in relationships after having a baby

During pregnancy

Not only are there significant physical changes during pregnancy, it’s common to experience emotional shifts. Both the pregnant woman or person and the partner can find this a challenging as well as exciting period.

On our NCT Antenatal courses you will start exploring the transition to parenthood, to help feel more confident and more prepared. Below you’ll find more suggestions for ways to protect the relationship from pregnancy onwards.

Domestic abuse increases during pregnancy. In an emergency, call 999. If either parent is ever feeling anxious about their partner, themselves, or the relationship, then the midwife, GP or health visitor is there to listen and offer support.

The first year

The first year after birth is a period of adjustment. It is common to experience increased conflict and a drop in satisfaction with the relationship with a partner or co-parent (IHV, 2022; Delicate et al, 2018).

While there can be challenges, many families remain committed to maintaining a strong relationship (Leonhardt et al, 2022). Some relationships benefit as they find a new respect for each other as parents and share experiences that bind them together (IHV, 2022; Delicate et al, 2018).

It’s important to work on keeping communication healthy, as babies pick up on how parents speak and behave towards each other. A relaxed relationship means a relaxed baby, but raised voices and shouting will distress them (IHV, 2022).

Dealing with lack of sleep

One of the biggest factors leading to tension and issues in relationships after having a baby is tiredness (IHV, 2022; Relate, no date). Most parents realise that they will be more tired after having a baby, but don’t always appreciate just how much impact sleep deprivation can have.

Sleep deprivation is a normal part of new parenting, which can make everything feel overwhelming and mean that small irritations lead to larger arguments (IHV, 2022; Relate, no date a). While it may feel endless, by around three months parents often feel they are emerging from these early days of exhaustion (Relate, no date a).

A lack of sleep can have a huge impact on day-to-day life and it's useful to consider options for managing this. For example, when feeling sleep deprived it might help to have an early night or a nap while someone else – the partner, grandparent, or friend – cares for the baby (Relate, no date).

Learn more about infant sleep development in our articles.

What are other common stress points after having a baby or babies?

Other common stress points include (IHV, 2022; Delicate et al, 2018):

Role expectations and division of chores 
Parenting styles 
In-laws
Intimacy and sex
Money

Role expectations and division of chores

Feeling the shift in the role within the family, from friend, lover, and worker to ‘mum’, ‘dad’, or ‘partner’, can lead to feelings of uncertainty about identity. One person may feel they’re only valued for their caring role, while another feels sidelined in the relationship (IHV, 2022).

Seemingly trivial complaints about chores can be a sign of anxiety about deeper issues, such as feeling unseen or uncared for. They can spiral out of control and lead to more serious problems (Relate, no date b).

Household labour can become a source of frustration when it feels like there is an assumption about who will do what. It’s also common to have different ideas about how tasks are done and to what standard (Relate, no date b).

Practical support means ensuring chores are shared in a way that feels fair for everyone. This can include using outside support while adjusting to parenting (Slomian et al, 2017; Relate, no date b). Making plans in pregnancy for how to deal with the domestic labour can reduce stress later (Smorti et al, 2022).

Learning together that mistakes will be made and forgiving each other is part of growing the relationship (Relate, no date b).

Relate has a quiz you can take to explore this issue.

Parenting styles

Another leading source of disagreements in the early days is having different ideas about how to care for and raise the baby (IHV, 2022). Everyone comes from a family which did things slightly differently and has different life experiences and ideas on what will work best.

It might appear that one parent is the ‘expert’, which can undermine the other’s confidence. But spending time with the baby helps each parent become more skilled and confident. Talk through reasons behind using a certain approach, and either compromise or agree to differ.

It’s both normal and healthy for parents to have slightly different approaches. So long as they back each other up and agree on some fundamental points this provides a good model of parenting for the baby. Read more about different parenting styles in our article.

In-laws and friends

See our article on changing relationships with grandparents and friends.

Intimacy and sex

New parents can feel like they never have time just for themselves. If in a romantic relationship, they will have shared time socialising, relaxing, and focusing on each other before the baby was born. Now there is an intense focus on the baby, and extra chores. This change in the dynamics of a relationship can lead to uncertainty and hurt (IHV, 2022; Delicate et al, 2018).

Acknowledging that this is a normal shift, and is probably temporary, allows for discussion on ways to keep the relationship alive. Everyone has different ways of feeling loved and appreciated, sometimes known as ‘love languages’ (IHV, 2022):

Acts of service
Words of praise
Physical touch
Quality time
Receiving gifts

Parents could plan what they might do to support their relationship in the time they have alone together – no matter how little time they have. A chat about the day or a walk outside can give breathing space, and a reminder of why the relationship is valuable (IHV, 2022).

The physical side of a romantic relationship might feel very different after the birth. It can take time to feel like having sex again after the birth (IHV, 2022).

Money

Money is one of the top five things new parents argue about (IHV, 2022). It can be helpful to have honest conversations from pregnancy onwards about expectations and plans.

If parenting in a couple, some parents decide to have a joint account for household purchases. This means that the person who isn’t working doesn’t feel they must ask for money, which can feel like a loss of independence.

Many parents feel pressure to provide for the family. Babies don’t have to be expensive, and NCT Nearly New Sales have much of what is needed.

Losing an income for a while can make a big difference to the household budget so it’s important to agree how that will be managed. We have articles on maternity and paternity leave and further benefits and entitlements which may be useful.

Relate offers information on dealing with financial stress.

Other factors which might affect the quality of the relationship

These are more ideas to consider when preparing for a baby, or if wondering why the relationship might be feeling challenging.

Communication styles, and how parents behave when stressed, tired, or upset (IHV, 2022).
The relationship each parent has or had with their own parents. It can be worth thinking about whether parents want to raise their baby in the same way.
How the relationship was before the baby was born. Are there unresolved issues to address? 
What are the expectations of parenting and family life? Are they the same? Are they realistic? 
How the birth was experienced. If there was baby loss or a traumatic birth, then everyone’s wellbeing will be affected. Read more in our articles on perinatal mental health.

Discover our top tips for looking after yourself when you have a baby.

Ways of protecting the relationship

Research shows that when each partner in the co-parenting relationship expresses positive feelings about the other’s contribution, it can protect of the longer-term relationship (Shapiro et al, 2000).

Practising open and honest communication can help (IHV, 2022; Relate, no date):

Make time to talk when both parents are feeling calm, and pause if emotions are building
Use open questions, and listen without interrupting
See things from the partner or co-parent’s perspective
Avoid criticism and blame, be forgiving of each other because you’ll both make mistakes
Recognise there will be different styles of communication
Relate has further resources on how to argue effectively
Agree to seek outside support if necessary

Other tips include:

Ideally, prepare in advance of the birth. Understand that it won’t all be about the baby but also about the transition to parenthood.
Learn about normal infant behaviour in our articles on feeding and crying.
Share the load around the house (if living together) and with the baby. Mothers and birthing people who receive more practical support have improved wellbeing (Chong and Mickelson, 2016; Slomian et al, 2017; Smorti et al, 2022).
Recognise the impact that mental health can have on coping with the early days of parenting.
Make time for the relationship, whether it is a romantic or co-parenting one.
Take time out with friends or alone, doing something enjoyable or relaxing. Many parents find relief in talking to other new parents about how they’re feeling, either their NCT antenatal group or one of our local events and activities.
Remember that support is available – whether it’s from NCT, your own social and family networks, or your health visitor.
If things are feeling very difficult and it feels like the relationship is breaking down, your health visitor or GP can signpost you to further support.

Further resources

Relationships Matter offers tools to support new parents.

Relate has information and support for parents.

Gingerbread provides support and resources for solo parents.

Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone and can take the form of physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse. If you are in immediate danger call 999. If you want to seek help for domestic abuse, speak to a healthcare professional, or call: